Communication is critical! People need to know what is going on and how it will impact them. Before any big changes occur, be sure to talk openly about what is needed, why it is needed and what people can do to help. If you say you want input from others, mean it. When input is provided, use it.

Once a plan is in place, communicate. Talk about it. Explain the process for implementing the changes. Be sure people know what is expected of them. Keep communicating. It really is that simple.

Many homeowners, including myself, were opposed to the removal of trees and the vinyl fences. I decided to read the CC&Rs (covenants, conditions and restrictions)  to be sure the vote to do all of this was being conducted appropriately. I uncovered that our CC&Rs had been expired for six years.  I spoke to some of my neighbors about this and five of us decided to speak to an attorney to help us understand the implications of expired CC&Rs. We were told it is very irregular and without valid CC&Rs, homeowners are without various protections. It’s not a good thing.

Following our discussion with the attorney, we wrote a letter to all the homeowners explaining what we uncovered and asked them to attend the meeting where the vote would be counted so we could address the issue of the expired CC&Rs.  At that meeting while the HOA attorney was counting the ballots, one of the board members admonished us and said, “I’m very disappointed in you.” She then began to speak to us as if we were her children. Rather than thank us for uncovering this very important thing, she attempted to shift the blame to us and make us feel ashamed. It didn’t work. We knew we had the truth on our side.

The new management company that came to work for us a year ago should have seen this immediately. It should have been the very first order of business before any talk of $4000 assessments. To make a long story short, we are waiting now to see what the HOA does about this. And, by the way, the community voted against the assessment.

The thing that spoke so loudly to me was the parental tone of voice and choice of words that board member used. If you want people to support you, be sure you are not sounding parental. The parent child dynamic is often played out in the workplace to no avail. The best approach is to have an adult to adult conversation. And if that doesn’t work, get someone objective to mediate.

In another post I’ll talk about what went wrong here from the perspective of change management. A little foreshadowing…open communication and community involvement are necessary. We didn’t have either.

After opting out as she suggests I couldn’t help but continue the train of thought I was having about how much sharing is too much? I see posts on Twitter and Facebook that raise the question, “Is nothing sacred anymore?” Why do we want people to know everything there is to know about us? Where we eat. When we like sex. Which route we take to work. What we had for dinner or lunch or breakfast, etc. Who cares?

Pause before saying anything and pause before hitting send. Choose the tone and words you want to use based upon the situation and audience. Both of these solutions can help you avoid unwanted criticism and communication breakdown. They can also help you be heard.

For example, if you want to communicate a position that is different from others you work with, it is wise not to label the other position as stupid or inane or whatever adjective you’d like to use. Instead, simply state your position without emotion. Be clear. Use facts if you have them and then ask the team to please consider the options you are providing.

Let’s say you know something to be true and others who need to make a decision have not been presented with all the facts. Instead of saying, “The team is underhandedly keeping information from you” say, “In order for you to be able to make an informed decision, please consider the following facts…” List your facts in clear bullet points and keep your personal feelings out of it.

It’s simple. Pause. Choose.

This process isn’t very effective. It’s way too time consuming. If the supervisor is not available when the tweet need to be tweeted, valuable time is wasted. Why not just send it to the client directly? While the supervisor was on vacation, this is exactly what happened and the client replied with approval within seconds. This is a much more efficient process which makes the case for empowering employees to do their job without a “middleman.”

Additionally, when there are too many links in the chain messages can get distorted. In the above case a 144 character email message was simply being forwarded for approval so there isn’t much chance the message will get distorted. If a message is being communicated orally, however, and goes through several people to get to the intended receiver, there is a great probability the message sent might not be the message received. Remember the game telephone operator we played in grade school?

So, whenever you can, eliminate unnecessary links in the chain. You’ll be more efficient and have fewer communication breakdowns.

 We had gathered on the terrace of the hotel in the old town in Rhodes where a group had assembled to explore the ancient castles and go shopping.  We were in Greece to celebrate the wedding of some friends. I was soon introduced to Aldo, an Italian man who arrived from Venice to join our group.  Before long, he and I were alone on the terrace and began chatting in English.  Or, I should say, I began jabbering in English.   I thought we were doing great until he, looking a bit confused, smiled, reached over, gently grabbed my arm, and said, “Please, you’ve got to slow down!”

 Aldo reminded me how arrogant Americans can be, expecting everyone to know and understand English.  He reminded me how important it is to be fully present and mindful in each and every interaction.  And, he reminded me to slow down.

This experience was the inspiration for a four part communication process I call The Way of ALDO.

 1.  Assume nothing; keep an open mind and never take anything for granted.  When in doubt, check it out! 

2.  Listen carefully. Show the speaker you care. Nod your head. Give eye-contact.

3.  Don’t rush. Enjoy the conversation.  Be with it wherever it leads you.

4.  Observe everything– the sparkle in the eye, the sky above, the smells around you, the wind against your skin. Simply be fully present with the encounter. 

Sometimes we have to travel a long distance to re-discover a simple truth; life is not a race, but rather an experience to be savored.  Thus, The Way of Aldo.  Use it. It works!

My first thought was, if this is the best you can do, why would I want to give you any money to train any real people? It’s so easy to put video on the web, why not do that? I mentioned it to a friend of mine who is an expert in generations at work and she quickly told me I was not the audience they were after. Younger generations are into AVATARS and so this clip art lady was suppose to appeal to them.  All I could say then was, “With their resources they should get someone to design a better AVATAR!” 

I got news that a very close friend was diagnosed with lung cancer. This news came now but it was detemined there had been a mistake made by the hospital in 2007. That error put him two years behind treatment. We spoke on the phone for a long time at a level of communication not often used between people.

It got me thinking how much time we waste at work and at home dealing with or in most cases not dealing with communication breakdown while we avoid the tough conversations that can help us work through things. It’s so much easier just to say “I’m hanging up now.”

We’re all gonna die anyway, so why aren’t we making more time  to work through our conflicts or to simply agree to disagree? Why aren’t we making more time  to talk to each other NOW? No telling what tomorrow will bring.

I have noticed more and more people lately are downright rude. They don’t return phone calls. They don’t respond to emails. They cut people off in traffic. Overall, I wonder what’s happening to basic niceness. Have we become so caught up in our own stuff that we have forgotten how to be courteous?

Case in point…I got a call from someone who was interested in my  services. We had a great initial chat talking about her goals, the options I could present, the prices and available calendar dates. When we hung up she said she’d be in touch.

I waited a few weeks and courteously followed-up with a phone call. I left voice mail and never heard anything.  I waited another couple of weeks and followed up with email. No response. I started to feel like a stalker so I left a final voice mail to that effect asking her to please let me know the status so I could stop bugging her. Still no response. I have a three follow-up rule so if I don’t get any response by the third time, I let it go.

It got me thinking though, how much time would it have taken  her to simply tell me it wasn’t going to work out? Instead, she just ignored me. I think that’s rude!

I recommend the little book The Power of Nice written by Koval and Kaplan-Thaler. The authors show us how nice people finish first, not last!

On the second day of the class someone asked a question that elicited a very strong response from two members of the group. The context of the question was political and these two people clearly had strong opinions. I let it go one for a few minutes and then I interupted and made the point that when it comes to religion and politics, people need to tread very lightly. These are two topics people tend to have VERY strong beliefs about and unless all parties are willing to stay opened-minded and be willing to hear the other side, the conversation is likely to go nowhere. That’s exactly what happened. The conversation erupted and went nowhere. I suggested we take a break and start over on a different topic when we came back together.

I know certain people in my life with whom my views are at opposite ends of the spectrum when it comes to politics and religion. I have learned to avoid those topics at all costs. No one can win. So the next time you see the conversation taking a turn toward the point of no return, suggest a break or a change of subject. Simply, agree to disagree. It works!